We are all looking for love. Biologically, we are programmed for it. But how many of us know how to keep love once we have found it?
Research done at The Gottman Institute, which specialises in relationships, says that long-term relationships don´t usually break down because of infidelity or conflict. Mostly, it is the result of resentment and distance that has built up over time.
Drs John and Julie Gottman have found that it is the little choices you make in your daily interactions with your partner that can make or break your relationship. And they found that those in successful relationships turn towards their partners 86% of the time when they make a bid for connection, while those in less successful partnerships only turn towards their partners 33% of the time.
Bids for connection can be verbal or non verbal, big or small – a sigh, a slump of the shoulders, asking for help with something, a comment about their day or an interaction with another person. When you answer their bid for connection, you build trust and emotional connection, which form the bedrock of relationships.
This research echoes what I find in my coaching practice much of the time. We all need to be seen and heard, and most of the pain we experience is when our partners don´t fulfil that need within us. I have found resentment to be a huge factor in people turning away from their partners. And a major cause for them turning away is when they themselves feel unheard or unseen.
This week, pay attention to how many times you stop what you are doing and give your partner attention when they ask for it. And focus on what you are feeling when you turn towards them and when you turn away from them. This may give you a clue as to where your work as a partner lies. And it will likely give you an indication of the health of your marriage/partnership. Because the way you act is a result of the way you are feeling, so it will also give you clues as to what is missing for you.
Have a good week…